


the road not taken looks real good now

by Ofmermaidsandmarauders



Series: the T Swift Collection [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Evermore - Freeform, F/M, No Boy-Who-Lived (Harry Potter), Smut, jily, jily lived AU, just for the weekend, tis the damn season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:54:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28397241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ofmermaidsandmarauders/pseuds/Ofmermaidsandmarauders
Summary: Lily and James haven't seen each other in over a decade, since the war ended, since they shared one final night together at Hogwarts. Life has taken them down two separate paths, but fate would bring them to Lily's hometown for the Christmas season, if only for a weekend.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Series: the T Swift Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1122327
Comments: 11
Kudos: 37





	the road not taken looks real good now

If you had asked Lily where she thought she would see James Potter again, the last place she would have said was running into him as she turned the corner on her way to the little market next to the cinema. And yet, he was exactly who she collided with, his arms catching her just before she fell back and her bottom landed on the hard cement.

“Alright, Evans?” His cheeky grin and rosy cheeks drew her attention first, her eyes then sliding up that slightly crooked nose to meet his gaze. It was cold outside, but that wasn’t what caused the shiver that ran down her spine, his eyes alight with that same mischievousness they held when she first met James at eleven years old, almost ten years ago now.

“Yeah, I’m just fine,” she reassured him softly as her hands gave his shoulders a slight squeeze, “thank you.”

‘It’s… wow. It’s really good to see you,” James admitted, the right side of his mouth lifting just a little higher than the left as his gaze raked over her body, setting her upright so his arms could fall pathetically back to his sides. “Like, _really_ good to see you.”

Lily thought of that night after graduation, the memory of their legs curled together under her bed sheets causing another chill to run down her spine. They had agreed to keep in touch, explore where this future between them could go, but then apprenticeships and family needs cropped up, too much time and space passed and the idea of James and Lily finding a future together had passed by, a missed opportunity. 

Looking up at James’ warm smile and tall stature, she wondered for a brief moment what their lives would have been like should they have traveled that road together. Would she be feeling so lonely this holiday season? Or would there have been a happier alternative in her path?

“It’s good to see you too, James. I was just nipping over to the market for a few items to make Christmas cookies while I’m home for the holidays. Wait, wait, wait…” Lily paused, not even noticing that they had picked up their paces, walking towards the market as if on autopilot together. “What are you doing here in Bamburgh?” 

James peered down at her, shoving his hands into his pockets as he pondered over his answer.

“My parents passed away about eight years ago now. Usually I spend the holidays with the lads, or with Remus’ family, or just with Sirius, but with the two of them finally getting their shit together and coupling up, it felt a bit more like intruding. My parents always had a little cabin out this way on the coast, but we never visited much. I remembered coming here as a young boy and thought I’d try to clean it up and just have a solitary Christmas.”

“Oh.” This was the only thing Lily could think of to say, her mind going blank as she tried to process the fact that James Potter’s family had owned a home in her small town, and yet the two had never run into one another until that day on the Hogwarts Express, his little body barrelling into hers at lightning speed. Her mouth quirked up at the memory and she peered up at him now. No, he was no longer that little boy. He was not even that boy of eighteen, the one who had whispered sweet nothings into her ear and promised her the world if they could just find a way to make it work. 

She had always assumed that if he had meant what he said, he’d have found a way to make it work. Her own insecurities had interfered in her own efforts, causing her to wait patiently until she had to finally accept that James hadn’t truly felt as strongly as she had led herself to believe.

And that was okay. Lily had moved on after a little time licking her wounds. The rejection had only stung for a short while.

“Hey, I have to head back but… you should stop by later if you’ve got some extra Christmas cookies,” James told her, his hand reaching up to gently hold her elbow, guiding her to face him once again. “And just because I’d really like to see you again.”

“A-alright,” Lily stammered, surprising herself by her own quick agreement. “I’d really like that too.”

“Great, hold on. Let me just…” James maneuvered and dug around in his pockets until he found some scrap of paper in his wallet, his mouth moving silently as an address slowly etched itself on the little white scrap. He handed it over with a cheeky grin, his impressive display of wandless magic completed.

“I’ll be by later this evening,” Lily told him, fingers grazing his own as she took the slip of paper, pocketing it slowly. She hadn’t been expecting the warm zing of pleasure that shot up her arm just from their fingers brushing together in the cold.

James backed away, grinning brightly as he rounded the corner once more and she was able to head towards the market once more, her mind now cloudy with thoughts of what ifs.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Hello?” Lily called out as she trudged up the driveway, the keys to her mom’s car jingling in one hand, a plastic-wrapped tray of various cookies held in the other. One upside to being muggleborn was definitely the additional travel options, Lily thought to herself. “James, open the door! My hands are full!”

“Hey there!” James’ voice rang out from the left side of the house, appearing just a second after she registered where he was. “Sorry, I was doing some work clearing out the weeds in the garden. Hard to do with layers of snow covering the area, but luckily for me, my parents got this place knowing it was set away from the muggles so I can still use my wand.” James wiped his hands off on his dark jeans before gesturing for her to follow him inside. 

Lily was having trouble wrapping her mind around this grown up version of James. He came across as so responsible and mature, though what else should she have expected? She scolded herself for expecting that he would still be that same eighteen year old she had started to envision a life with.

“These look incredible,” James complimented as he gently slid the tray out of her hand and carried it into the kitchen. 

“James, it _smells_ incredible in here,” she breathed out as the scents of various spices filled her nose. She could see the small pot on the stovetop and the oven light was on, indicating that there was a dish being kept warm inside. 

“I just made us a spiced carrot and lentil soup, and a small roast chicken and vegetables. You brought the real goods though,” James informed her, a wide grin on his face as he silently waved his wand, conjuring two table settings, the bottle of wine already uncorked that poured itself two healthy glasses of wine. “I’m sorry, I assumed you’d join me for dinner. I hope that’s alright.”

“It’s perfect. It really does smell good. I’m sure it tastes great too,” Lily reassured him as she slid her coat off, peeking around before hanging it on a small coat hook by the side door. “It’s so cozy in here, not what I would have expected from a Potter family vacation home.” 

James laughed softly at the joke, offering her the glass of wine before shrugging. “It’s not big at all. That’s probably why we didn’t come here often. Mum loved the extravagance of the larger homes and resorts. Dad was the one who liked the quiet bliss that the coast offered. I think this was one of his ideas. I didn’t get it when I was little… but I do now.”

Lily let the words settle in, taking a small sip of the wine. 

“I was bored the few times we came here as a child. I had so much energy, y’know? I needed a friend to play with and something to keep me entertained at all times. Now that I’m older I crave the quiet sometimes. Everything gets to just be so loud and I can manage but I just need a few minutes to catch my breath sometimes.”

James’ words kept Lily quiet, letting the thoughts flicker through her mind as she imagined this new James and tried to merge it with the James she knew. “Yeah, I get that,” she finally said. 

He set about serving the soup and then carving the chicken and plating some of that as well. She watched in fascination as he did things the muggle way, a small smile on her face as he flitted around the kitchen expertly. 

“I lost my wand at Sirius’ for a week about six years ago. It was a nightmare,” he explained as if answering a question she didn’t ask. “I couldn’t conjure anything, couldn’t just make food in an instant, but I think I learned how nice it can be to get your hands dirty and make something on your own. I still use magic to help me out now, though.”

Lily laughed at her cheeky grin and assisted him with refilling their glasses just before settling into the seat he pointed to. Settled across from him at the table, Lily had a brief flash of what life could have been.

The two passed through their meal, casually chatting and checking in with their current status. James was between “experiences,” trying to find the right next move in the wizarding world that would fulfill his desires to do something _good_. Lily was working with some of London’s most skilled healers, researching a new potion that would cure effects of dark magic that had never been explored before.

“See, _that_ is something I’ve always loved about you, Evans! You could do anything you want in this world, make enormous amounts of money doing private materialistic work, and instead you want to make a true difference. Just brilliant!” James complimented before shoveling in a mouthful of chicken, finishing off his meal.

Lily’s cheeks flushed, choosing to ignore the first part of his compliment. “Well, thank you. I think I’m a little selfish though. The notoriety if we can pull it off means I’ll be guaranteed a job anywhere I want in the future. But thank you.”

James boldly reached across the small table and took her hand into his, giving it a gentle squeeze. He didn’t drop it after squeezing, instead just holding it across the table. “You can stay, can’t you? For a bit longer?” 

Lily nodded quickly, not wanting this night to end. She wasn’t entirely sure what they were going to do, but just being in James’ presence was a warm balm on her soul. Being around her family could be draining, especially her sister and her sister’s husband, and their preteen son. Ever since their father had passed, Lily’s mom worked overtime at the holidays to smooth things over between her girls, trying to keep her family together. 

James was offering Lily an escape from the constant stress and darkness she felt visiting her childhood home. It was the reprieve she didn’t even know she wanted until it had been offered.

“I have nowhere else to be,” she explained before realizing how cold that sounded. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

James grinned at this, using his free hand to wave his wand and clear the dishes from in front of them, the tray of cookies suddenly appearing unwrapped on the small table. She grinned up at him before reaching for a peanut butter ball, his own settling on a gingerbread man. 

He used his grip on her hand to ease her out of her seat, guiding her towards the little sitting area that he had near the back of the house. It was a small room, two bookcases settled on either side of the large window that framed the lake. There was a small couch and coffee table, a rug underneath that made the room feel warmer somehow. The fireplace sat on the left of the couch, a small blaze already going, built up by a flick of James’ wand to warm the room just a bit more.

Lily was unsure what to do with herself before deciding that she wanted to just enjoy this space with James for a short while, so she let her feet carry her to the couch, curling them beneath her as she sat. Her body was aimed towards the empty space beside her, waiting patiently for James to take the hint and fill the seat. When he did so, her grin grew that much brighter.

“If you had asked me earlier what my plans were for tonight, this is the last thing I would have expected,” he admitted, his cheeks tinged pink, though she blamed that warmth on the fire. His eyes met hers and she felt her own cheeks flush, though that warmth could be blamed solely on James’ burning gaze. 

“Me either,” she told him softly, a shaky hand bringing the wine glass to her lips. “But I’m glad that we’re both here.”

Lily licked her lips and she watched as James’ eyes dropped to her mouth as her tongue poked out just slightly. She heard the hitch in his breath and felt a slow burning in the pit of her stomach mixed with anxiety, wondering if this was going to end up being a mistake. 

“I... '' Lily stopped herself with a shake of her head, glancing up at James nervously. His hand reached up to push back a lock of hair that had fallen out of her long braid, letting his fingers tentatively trail down her cheek, thumb tracing along her jaw. Her breath was caught in her throat and for a split second she wasn’t sure if she would ever breathe again. “I’m leaving on Tuesday. I have to leave immediately after the holiday to return to work. I… I can’t stay.” 

“I know,” he breathed out, face inching closer to hers. “I know you have to be back, but we could… this could be just a thing we do. Right?”

The husky tone of his voice was driving Lily mad. She wanted to lean forward and accept whatever was about to happen, but she stopped herself and tried to let rational thoughts process in her mind. She knew the hurt she had felt last time they parted, but she hadn’t been prepared for that rejection. This time she could protect herself, and her heart. Lily would know exactly what was happening this time and could stop herself from getting in too deep.

Yes, it would be just fine this time. They both knew this was just for the weekend. Something to get them through the holidays until they returned to their individual lives.

Lily leaned forward the rest of the way, feeling the way that James’ fingers clenched against her jaw in response to her lips meeting his. They hadn’t kissed in almost ten years and yet it was like riding a bicycle with how easily she fell back into a rhythm. Her head tilted just slightly to avoid nudging his glasses, her mouth opening beneath his for only a second before James pulled away. 

She felt her mouth forming a slight pout, but James just smirked as he took the wine glasses and set them onto the coffee table before letting his hands slip down her waist until he was gripping her hips tightly. 

“Only for the weekend,” Lily spoke firmly, her fingers itching to touch him again. She had memorized his body at eighteen, let it be a memory of hers that lingered in the back of her mind for those nights when she felt so lonely and wanted to conjure up a dream that would keep her warm at night, hand shoved into her pants as she frantically tried to remember what it had felt like to be so cherished.

Over the years, the memory of him had faded and felt icky to use as she grew older. Lily had always tried to imagine what he would look like now, but as her hands slid beneath his shirt, nothing had prepared her for this adult James.

His own hands slid beneath her shirt, his thumbs stroking at the ridges along her spine. “You’re too skinny, I’m afraid you’ll shatter in my arms.”

Lily pulled away to laugh at his comment, her face lighting up as the tension between them broke. There was something about James that made her feel at ease, even when he was being serious. 

“I’m not that fragile. You can be rough with me,” her voice was breathy as she leaned in once more, a groan falling from James’ lips as she spoke.

“You can’t say shit like that to me, Evans,” James muttered darkly, his fingers pressing roughly against her spine to bring her closer. Lily took it a step further, climbing into his lap so that her thighs were framing his own. Their bodies aligned tightly together, faces only inches apart. 

“And why not?” she whispered, lightly kissing his lower lip, allowing a faint smile to spread across her mouth. A sound that Lily could only describe as a growl came from him as he fervently kissed her, hands now sliding down to grip her arse. This was the answer to her question. A passionate, anxious, feverish kiss. 

Her own hands slid from his biceps to his shoulder to his hair, gripping it tightly as if it were an anchor, not allowing him to move away. Though, it didn’t seem that he had any intention to. 

Lily felt like her body was on fire everywhere his hands touched. They were roaming over her frantically, like he was afraid that she would slip away at any given moment. They finally settled back on her bottom, giving it a firm squeeze before guiding her hips to slant over his just so. She could feel the hard press of him against her core, feel the way that her body ached in reaction to that gentle cant of his hips, lifting slightly to meet her own subtle thrusts.

“Lily, please,” he begged, letting a hand slip to the hem of her thick sweater, tugging at it gently until she nodded, allowing her arms to lift up so he could tug it over her head. A few wisps of hair fell from her braid at the sudden friction of material, though her body felt cooled off by the slight chill in the air. Lily peeked over and realized the fire had died down again, though she was distracted once more as James’ fingers unclasped her bra from behind and the straps slid down her arms with his guidance. His hands quickly replaced the cups, her nipples hardening beneath the rough texture of his palms. 

A soft moan slipped from her lips as his fingers began to stroke in even circles, slowly tightening until they were tugging at her nipples in that way she liked. 

“James,” her voice was a harsh croak as she leaned forward, capturing his mouth in another kiss, letting her hands slip beneath his own shirt. She pulled it up, separating from his mouth only to pull it off. Her tongue probed at his mouth, wanting to taste every inch of him. If he was desperate to feel, she was desperate to taste. 

James hands’ never stopped their assault on her breasts, palming and tugging at her nipples until she was squeezing her thighs together, only his own were getting in the way. Instead, she began to slowly press herself down against his length, needing to feel something more than what he was doing. One of his hands moved from her breast up to cup the back of her head, his fingers probably messing up her braid, but she didn’t quite mind. 

Lily felt the groan that he let out, not just against her mouth, but beneath her hands that were pressed to his own chest. That firm chest that had only strengthened over time. A shiver ran down Lily’s spine as his mouth pulled back from hers with a tug to her bottom lip using his teeth. Those teeth that scraped down her neck, sucking gently and peppering kisses until he reached her chest. His tongue poked out and circled once, twice, around the flesh until he sucked at her nipple. She gasped, both hands gripping the back of his head, keeping him pressed there as she arched up towards his mouth.

“James, please,” she whimpered, her voice hoarse as she straddled one of his thighs, trying to press herself against it through her thin leggings. She knew that she was soaked through, desperate for his touch. 

“What do you need?” he asked after pulling away from her chest, letting the hand that had been in her hair travel down her back and around then around to her stomach until it reached the waistband of her leggings. His fingers moved just beneath it, slowly inching towards the one place that was taking up all of her focus. 

“Please,” Lily breathed out, lifting her hips up to try to make room for his fingers, but he insisted on teasing her, letting them just stroke against the front of her pelvis, not even sliding beneath the thin silk of her underwear. “James, please. I need to feel you inside me.”

James choked on a moan, bringing a smile to Lily’s lips that quickly turned into a soft “ _oh”_ as his fingers slid lower and pressed against her through the fabric, index and middle finger rubbing in small circles. It wasn’t enough, but it was more than she had a minute ago and that was progress. 

“Oh,” she breathed out again, clutching the back of his head once more as she tried to move her hips, though he steadied her with his free hand, keeping her in place. Lily hated how needy she felt, how much her body craved the feeling of his own. 

James pulled his hand out suddenly, her face falling once more at the loss of contact. He only kissed her, distracting her long enough until he was suddenly standing, hands holding onto her arse for support as he began to carry her towards his bedroom. Lily began to pepper kisses along his jaw and neck, too distracted to notice which way he was walking them. 

She squealed in delight as he tossed her down onto the bed, his own laugh bouncing off of the walls before he grew serious once more, climbing over her on the bed. His body encased hers, providing a shelter from the cold as he let one hand slide down to her hip, pushing her pants lower until she took the hint and assisted him in getting them off. Her own hands then went to the button on his jeans, pulling it open so that she could push the material down his legs, letting her feet finish the job until they were on the floor somewhere by the side of the bed. 

Their breaths were heavy as he leaned down and kissed her once more, left hand sliding beneath her panties once more until a single finger was pressing inside of her. 

“Fuck, Lily. You’re so wet.” He sounded incredulous as he began to slowly curl that finger and then pull it out before pushing it back in. His finger moved in slow strokes as she began to pant, lifting her hips in time with the pushing, lowering them with the pulling. 

“It’s for you,” Lily whimpered, clutching onto his shoulders as she tried to get him to give her more. She just needed _more_ of him. “James, please. Stop teasing me!”

“Anything for you, Evans,” his cheeky grin made her giggle as he slid his briefs down his body, kicking them off somewhere before kneeling before her, spreading her legs with both of his hands. “Fuck, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Lily keened at the compliment, her lips already flushed from activity, though she was sure they’d be red at his words. 

“I’m - I take a contraceptive. You don’t need to… We’re covered,” she finally admitted, tugging him back down by wrapping her spread legs around his waist so that their bodies were aligned once more. Lily let her hips lift until the tip of his cock was gently pressing inside of her, slipping out as she lowers her hips again. James seems frozen for a moment and this scares her, but he must see the look on her face because he lowers his mouth to hers and just kisses her until that anxiety is quelled.

When it’s obvious that she’s putty in his hands once again, nerves calmed down by the soothing action of his lips and tongue, his hips press forward until he’s filling her. It’s agonizingly slow until their hips are tight together and he breaks their kiss to let out a loud groan against her mouth.

“You’re… Fuck, I… You…” James is speechless and this makes Lily giggle fiercely until he’s pulling out halfway and then pressing back in, as if he can’t bear to even be separated from her for that much. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you, Evans.”

“Oh, gods, James,” Lily moans as she pressed her hands into his shoulder blades, wanting his body to press into hers completely. She wants to feel every inch of him against her, wants to memorize the way he feels as he’s inside her fully. This ache that she’s had since seeing him again feels like it’s starting to be sated. 

As if something has broken inside his body, James begins to thrust in and out, his hips moving at their own pace. Lily feels like her body is connected to his by a string, because everytime he goes to move, her hips are there to meet his at each thrust. 

“Nobody but you, Evans. Nobody has ever felt this good. Fuck, nobody. Fuck,” James rambled, each thrust feeling like it’s not enough and too much all at once for her. Lily wants to come, wants to feel her world fall apart, so she slips a hand between their bodies and reaches down to where their hips meet. Before she can accomplish this, his hand is there, pushing hers away.

“No, this is mine to give,” he whispered, nipping at her earlobe with his teeth as he let his fingers find where they met, rubbing small circles against her clit as she felt a tidal wave of pleasure wash over her body in waves, that pit in her stomach tightening as she tried to just reach that point of pleasure. 

James seemed to understand what her body needed because he continued to thrust in a way that was getting her to that point until her toes curled and her heels were digging into his hips harshly. 

“James, _oh_ , _oh,”_ her voice was like a siren’s call because within an instant he was meeting her in a wave of pleasure, his back arched as he groaned and spilled inside of her. 

“Lily,” was the only thing he whispered before giving her another kiss, pulling out of her body in one smooth motion, using wandless magic to summon a warm towel and a wet washcloth. Just as he took care of her during the act, James made sure to take gentle care of her in the clean up, just enough, before allowing her to use the bathroom to finish up.

Lily took one look in the mirror, her braid now half pulled out of its form and eyeliner smudged beneath her lids. She giggled to herself as she used the toilet and then wet another washcloth to wipe under her eyes. Lily dug around until she found a comb and was able to brush out her hair into soft waves, letting them fall down her back. 

She felt self conscious reentering the room, though the wide grin on James’ face as he gestured for her to join him in the bed washed that feeling away, replacing it with a warmth that his grin always seemed to bring. 

“That sure was something, Evans,” James teased, leaning over once she had joined him again to press a soft kiss to her mouth. “ _You_ sure are something.”

Lily could only let out a breathy giggle as she laid on her back for a moment, trying to wrap her mind around what the fuck had just happened. Sure, she knew what was going to happen, but somehow they had ended up naked and in bed together much faster than she realized. There hadn’t been any time for thinking, and that was honestly the best feeling.

“Hey, you okay?” James’ voice broke through her ocean of thoughts. She felt the corners of her mouth tilt up and she nodded quickly, a glow overtaking her as his hands slid down to her hips, bringing her closer to his body until she could tuck her face into the crook of his neck. Lily cocooned herself into his body, letting him lift a sheet over her.

“I’m okay,” she finally responded, the index finger on her left hand circling around his nipple, though she wasn’t fully paying attention to her actions. “I’m good.”

“You looked like you regretted it, for a minute there,” James sounded nervous as he admitted to this and she peeked up at him from her hiding spot, watching the nerves in his eyes disappear as she offered up a genuine smile, letting her mouth press gently to his jaw. 

“No regrets, it was good. You were good.” Lily’s voice sounded assured and it was a surprise to her how comfortable she felt laying here with James.

“Not even one?”

“Nope, not a single one. It was good, James.”

James seemed content at that, the hum he released vibrating against her cheek which had returned to his solid chest. The pair laid contentedly for some time before James broke them out of their reverie. His hands had been sliding up and down her back, fingers tracing along the ridges of her spine until she was almost ready to fall asleep. 

“I regret that we never made it work. That we didn’t try harder. I should’ve tried harder for you,” James told Lily, letting his hands continue in their soothing patterns on her skin. His voice sounded pained and Lily wasn’t too sure how she wanted to answer.

_I wish the same? It’s fine, don’t worry about it? I should’ve tried harder but my crippling anxiety and insecurities got the best of me until I gave up on the idea of us?_

No - definitely not that last one.

Instead, Lily settled for an uncommitted hum instead, just letting him interpret what he wanted from that. 

“I’m serious, Lily. You’re the one person I’ve never been able to get past. Everyone dims compared to you. I meant what I said back in those days, and I should’ve tried harder to show you that.”

As if dipping her head into a pensieve, Lily was taken back to the last time they had been curled up in bed like this:

_“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, Lily.” James’ words captured her heart as he slid his fingers down her body, tracing the curves of her thighs before pulling them around his waist so he could have her body wrapped around his own._

_“Stop it,” Lily admonished, cheeks burning from the compliment._

_“I mean it. I’ve loved you for years, probably since the day I met you. Maybe even before we met. I was made to love you. I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Lily Evans.”_

_“James, you’re just saying that because I let you have sex with me.”_

_“No, that’s not true! I mean it,” James pouted as he spoke, only smiling once Lily kissed the pout away. “When we leave here, wherever we go, I want to make this work. I want to marry you one day, have you take my last name, become a family. I want to be a dad and have kids with you. I want a life with you, Lily Evans. You’re it for me.”_

Despite his words, James had never sought her out after that final encounter. They had never even spoken after that day, separated by time and space and people who wanted to keep them apart. An impending war, one that was completed just a month after graduation. One that James had been ready to throw himself into, and one Lily had been scared to join but knew it was the only way to move forward.

The day she had met with Dumbledore and he told her that the fight was over, that they had won, he provided her with a top notch recommendation to one of the world’s most well-renowned potioneers. That month had been a rush of emotions as she prepared to battle (and lose her life) only to come to terms with the fact that she no longer needed to. She had an entire future ahead of her and yet there she was, trying to figure out how she was supposed to spend a life she never thought she’d be entitled to have.

“Where’d you go just now?” James asked, stroking through her hair until he let his hands fall down to her lower back, slowly inching until he was gripping her bottom, pulling her tightly to him. 

“I was just thinking about how long it’s been since we last saw each other. How much you’ve changed.” Lily’s words were a lie and for a minute she thought he’d call her out on it, but he chose not to, instead letting his mouth move down to her neck, sucking on the sensitive skin there. 

“What are you doing?” she asked quietly, fingers combing through his hair.

“Pulling you out of your own thoughts until you can think of nothing but me and you. Here. In this bed.” James sounded firm as his mouth slowly kissed down to her chest. She moaned softly as he nipped the soft flesh on her breast before lapping at the mark, as if he was going to heal the pain she felt. His lips wrapped around her nipple, but Lily was still trying to get herself to think straight.

“I can hear your brain starting to smoke,” James whispered before blowing over her breast, the peak hardening under his cool breath.

“Shut up,” Lily muttered uselessly, having no brain power to think of something more insulting.

James just grinned and continued his assault on her body, moving lower and lower until her fingers were tangled in his hair and his mouth was working wonders.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Later, his cheek was pressed to her stomach, hand pressed to her hip so that she wouldn’t go anywhere. Her fingers combed through James’ hair slowly, trying to muster up the strength to ask him to move so she can get dressed and go home.

“Stay for the night,” he whispered, as if reading her mind. “I miss holding you. Even if it’s only for the weekend.”

“Okay,” the word was out of her mouth before she even realized that she wanted to agree. Lily knew that she was just complicating things, but the thought of leaving this warm bed and, more importantly, leaving James just hurt to think of. It was a problem that future Lily could deal with. This Lily wanted to bask in the afterglow of climaxes and cuddling with this James.

Somehow through the night, James and Lily shifted until their legs tangled together and he was spooning her against his chest. She woke up to the light shining through the windows, unclear of what time it was. Lily thought back to last night, the amount of kissing and touching that they had done. The thought made Lily’s toes curl and she pulled his arms tighter around her body as she nuzzled into the pillow. Her movements must have woken James because she felt chapped lips pressing little sucking kisses to the back of her neck and shoulder, fingers slowly gliding down her body until James was gripping onto her hips, pulling her back so that their bodies stayed connected where it counted. Lily let out a breathy sigh as he slipped his other hand in between her thighs, stroking at a lazy pace as he woke them both up. They stayed in that sleepy state, hips undulating against one another, fingers stroking inside of her until she had soaked his hand thoroughly. 

James finally rolled Lily onto her back, climbing over her with a satisfied smile on his face despite the fact that nothing had truly happened yet this morning.

“Hi,” he whispered, lips hovering just above hers.

“Hi,” she murmured back, a small smile turning up the corners of her mouth.

“I missed this,” he admitted as he pressed the tip of his cock against her, slightly thrusting his hips as he teased her, letting the tension build. “I missed _you_.”

“You missed the sex, you mean,” Lily teased, fingers slowly climbing up his body as she spread her legs just that fraction of an inch, indicating she wanted him to move things along. He did as she silently requested, sliding inside of her at an agonizingly slow pace, wanting her to feel him as they connected.

“Well, duh, but I missed this. I missed waking up to you and spending time in this half dozed state where I can just appreciate you and it’s just us two in the world.” James’ voice held a tone of sincerity that caused a chill to run up Lily’s spine, her fingernails digging into his shoulder blades as she tried not to let the emotion completely take over.

“I-” she broke off, just pressing her lips quickly to his.

“I want a do-over. I want to do this with you every morning. There’s nobody else for me, Lily,” he breathed against her mouth, picking up his pace just a bit as he moved his mouth to her ear. His hips continued to move slowly in and out of her at a stuttering pace as James whispered all of his filthy thoughts into her ear: 

“You’re so beautiful like this.”

“I love the noise you make when I push inside of you just _here_.. Yes, that’s it.”

“Fuck, moan my name. That’s my girl.”

“I want you to feel me. I want you to know it’s only me who can make you feel like this.”

“I want to love you like this forever, Lily.”

Despite James’ chattiness, Lily can do nothing more than make keening noises for him. She is a mess of whimpers and purrs, moans and soft cries. James has whittled her down to this voiceless void, craving only the pleasure that he can bring her.

Finally, a single cry _please_ comes from her lips and he is right there with her, sliding a hand down between them to rub her clit in small, erratic circles until she is riding the wave of her climax, mouthing at his neck as she holds back until she feels that he is also coming, and his name falls from her mouth in a helpless cry, one of her hands tangling up in his hair as she feels tears fill her eyes.

The thought of never getting this again just may be what breaks her.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s only later that evening when they’re curled up on the loveseat together, despite the large couch settled just to their right with almost double the space, that Lily realizes how late it’s getting. He had plied her full of food and distracted her with a leisurely walk around the lakeside, before Lily was fully able to recognize just how late it had gotten.

The clock has just chimed out eight little bells, and Lily wonders how much longer she should stay. 

“Stay with me for the night. There’s no need for you to rush out of here,” James told her, his fingers stroking down along her spine. Despite the years that separated them, he still seemed to have the ability to read her thoughts when it counted, when she wasn’t consciously trying to hide them.

“I really should be going home soon,” she responded, sitting up so that she could actually look into his eyes, trying to figure out how she was going to pull herself away from his embrace. James had his calves hooked around hers, and his arms were wrapped around her lower back so that she was able to lay against him almost entirely. 

“Why?” 

The question surprised Lily more than she anticipated, mostly because she had expected an argument in response from him. She hadn’t expected to have to rationalize her own thoughts, mostly because she didn’t agree with what she was saying out loud. 

“I have things to get done before our family’s Christmas dinner party. I know it’s not until Tuesday but I have some work I planned to attend to even though I’m supposed to be enjoying the holiday. Up until now there wasn’t much about it that was enjoyable, so I figured I’d at least be productive. And this is anything but productive.”

“Those all sound like things that can wait. You just said it yourself, you don’t have to do it but it was something to do. Just stay here. Relax. Enjoy your holiday.” With each sentence, James placed a kiss along her neck, moving lower until he was at the juncture where her neck became her shoulder. “I want another night with you. I want you in my bed, with me.”

“James…” Lily breathed out, though her hands were steadily climbing until they were settled into his hair.

“I don’t want to wake up alone on Christmas Eve. Stay with me for one more night, Lily.” The pleading tone to his voice would have been what did her in, had she not already been trying to convince herself to stay minutes ago. Between her own convincing, and his begging, she knew that she was giving in to his request.

“I don’t want to wake up alone, either.” Lily admitted, not specifying that it was more than just Christmas Eve that felt lonely to her. Lily was tired of feeling alone, and if James was offering a brief respite from that feeling, who was she to deny that?

________________________________________________________________________________________________

If Lily had to put a word to her concerns, she would use the word _doubt_. There was so much doubt running through her head. At every little touch James left as they ate dinner or nibbled on cookies or sipped at coca. At every compliment he threw her way while they walked around the lake shore or cooked dinner or laid in bed. 

The only time she felt confident in what he said was when he was buried deep inside of her in the middle of the night, the stars twinkling in the night sky as they erased the outside world and focused on one another. This was the only time he mentioned a future with her, wanting to spend a life together. She wished he had the courage to mention these things in the light of day, when their bodies weren’t pressed together beneath covers and hands desperate to feel soft skin beneath their touch. 

They stayed up late into the night, relearning each others’ bodies. Lily was committing James’ new body to memory, her hands hungry for more of him. She wanted to remember every freckle and mole, every curve and sharp plane. These memories would need to get her through the next decade.

Late the next morning, they both awoke slowly and lazily, their bodies still curled together from the heat of the previous night. Lily had woken just moments before James and took the time to appreciate his sleepy state before his eyes blinked open and a smile formed on his face when he registered what she was doing.

“G’morning,” he whispered softly, pressing his thumb to her cheek and stroking it gently until it was tracing her full lower lip.

Lily pressed a kiss to the pad of his thumb before sucking it into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it gently. That teasing effort brought a groan to his lips before he was pulling it back, pressing a heated kiss to her mouth.

“You little minx,” he growled, tickling her sides playfully.

How could he be so pleasant when she was leaving in just a short time?

“James,” she whispered, and the tone of her voice had his body going numb, freezing up above her as his smile fell and she watched him shake his head.

“No,” he replied, pressing his hips against hers, as if trying to remind her of what she could have if she agreed to stay.

“I have to go.”

“Please,” James pleaded, but she knew by the look on his face that he understood her mind was made up. This was a last ditch attempt at changing her mind. At trying to change the course of their separate lives.

“I have to.”

The two of them stared at one another, noses brushing as their breaths mingled together in the morning sun pouring in through the window.

“I know,” James finally admitted, letting his lips just barely brush over hers before standing up and helping her out of the fortress they had built with his blankets.

The two dressed silently, searching for garments and items that had been haphazardly tossed about over the weekend. Lily only smiled once when she found her underwear tucked beneath a pillow on the couch, shoved there by James at one point when he was trying to convince her to join him in the shower.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Soon enough, her items were packed into her purse and there was no more delaying the inevitable. 

They stared at one another from across the room, taking slow steps towards each other until they were both just by his front door, standing an awkward length apart. All weekend their bodies had been desperate to connect, and now it was as if they were two sides of the same battery, repelled by a single touch.

“So…” Lily finally let out, looking past James to the lakeside cabin that had been her saving grace for this solitary weekend. 

James said nothing in response, just studying her face. Her eyes darted down to her feet, trying to figure out what else she could say. How could they change this?

She looked up again, hoping to see a hint of warmth in his gaze, but all she could see was a steely gaze that looked back at her. She saw no hint of the James that she had just spent an entire weekend with. Once more, her heart was cracking as she saw this potential future she had dreamed of falling to pieces right in front of her eyes. 

It had been real enough just to get her through. 

Lily was internally begging for James to take her hand. Squeeze it tight once more. Just once. Let her know that this wasn’t just a one-sided thing. He felt it too, he had to feel it too. If he just reached out and grabbed her hand, she’d cancel her plans. She’d stay. She’d claim him as _hers_.

But he didn’t. His hands stayed shoved into his pockets, the same as that first time she saw him again, walking in the same direction towards the market. 

Had she fooled herself once again? Thinking that it was something more than it was. Lily pleaded with herself to just make the leap, damn the insecurities, take his hand and jump over the ledge. All she had to do was cross that line. Instead, her own hands hung loosely in front of her, fingers idly tangled together with her purse hanging at her hip.

She could almost envision it, the creaking of the cabin floor as she stepped forward and begged him to come with her, to join her in London where they could create this world together that had the both of them in it. The way his arms would slowly wrap around her waist and keep her pressed against him while they whispered about how stupid they had almost been to let each other go for a second time.

She could almost see it.

“I guess… I guess I should go. I have that dinner party tomorrow and I promised to help mom prepare for guests.”

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense.” James whispered, looking like he was conflicted for a moment before he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. Despite the warmth of his lips, her body ran cold as it was the only place their bodies met. His hands, usually desperate to touch her, stayed tucked deep into his pockets. 

Lily was frozen in place for a second before realizing she would have to be the one to leave. Once again, Lily mustered up every ounce of strength she had and walked through his door, away from James and his warm bed, the cocoon they had built together that felt like a safe haven. She wiped her tears away slowly, only once that heavy door had closed behind her. 

Maybe one day they’d find a way to get the timing right.

Maybe one day she’d find that Gryffindor courage she was supposedly blessed with. 

Not today.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed my first attempt at smut. Big Thanks to T Swift who provided evermore before I could even finish my folklore-inspired fic. (It'll get there.... one day).
> 
> Check me out on tumblr @ ofmermaidsandmarauders xoxo, tay


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